There is no deying the fact that domestic violence is a reality in our society. The question then is how much are we willing to sweep under the carpet
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There is a charm about inter-dependency that can be enjoyed as long as we know what it means to respect each other. Tilt the balance and it becomes abuse on one hand and loneliness on the other.
When we live in a way that the other gets more reverence than the self, we let others decide how we should behave, what opportunities we should pursue, who we should love and who should continue to abuse us.
Family pride takes precedence over self-expression. Sometime this is where we begin to submit to family pressure of putting on a brave front so that society would believe that everything is alright.
It is not surprising thus that domestic violence is most often not reported or confronted. When numbers have begun to increase, we sigh and blame modern society as a reason why there is such an increase in domestic violence.
The truth however is that such stories always existed. We know of drunken family brawls, children being pressurized by demanding parents, battered wife finding excuses for their black eye, control and nagging of demanding wives but we blanketed them under “a Family affair”.
An important question we need to ask is ‘How much are we willing to sweep under the carpet in portraying a perfect picture?
Domestic violence is a reality in our society and while discussing this we have to understand what constitutes domestic violence and why we need trained assistance to report such incidences.
Defining domestic violence is easy today as much deliberations have gone in trying to understand its scope from the legal perspective. Domestic violence is about systematic pattern of control and power perpetrated by one individual over the other either physically, psychologically and or emotionally. It includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone
Anyone regardless of age, economic status, education, gender, race, religion and across all lifestyles, can become the target of such violence. It can result in physical injury, psychological trauma and in severe cases even death. The consequences of such effects can last a life time and can cross generations with children repeating patterns of similar abuse as they grow up.
There is no exact time which marks the beginning of domestic abuse. There might be warning signs but not something that is categorical. It might begin with the first restriction, pinch, slap, or fight but not before long these first signs become so common that the person being abused does not know that they need help.
Regardless of whether the abuser is a parent or partner, their goal is to gain control and power over the relationship through means such as producing fear, making threats, manipulation or physical harm. Sometimes these lesser known forms of abuse tend to have more severe and long-term consequences on the victim than physical assault. Verbal abuse (name-calling), emotional abuse (neglect, degradation, humiliation) and psychological abuse (manipulation, threats) are much more common than physical abuse in both spousal and parent-child relationships, and these three types of abuse frequently accompany physical abuse.
When young children become the targets of such abuse it’s even worse because the abuser is often a parent or both parents and complaining against them would be going against the whole family ethos. Thus suicide is often the only resort these young mind comprehend.
Yes, it’s comforting to believe that if a person is being abused, they should tell someone or get help or if it’s an adult they should break up the relationship. It’s easier said than done. Leaving an abusive relationship in any society is very difficult because it is not only about harm being caused but about power.
Abusers tend to disempower their victims in ways that results in them not believing that they can get help. Martin Seligman, explains this inability to escape with the concept of learned helplessness. In his classic experiment he trapped animals in cages which he first locked up so that they could not escape and administered electrical shocks to them. The animals desperately tried to escape from the cages during the first few trials but could not do so as the cages were locked. He later unlocked the doors of the cage and continued to administer the shocks. The animals began demonstrating the effects of learned helplessness where they would tolerate terrible shocks but did not attempt any escape.
Applying this principle to victims staying in abusive relationships, learned helplessness is a psychological condition in which a person has learned to believe that in a particular situation he or she has no control over its outcome and that whatever they may do it would be futile. As a result, the victim will stay passive in the face of abuse, even when they do actually have the power and opportunity to change the circumstances.
In our society we are faced with another greater question - What system do we have in place to assist victims during crises intervention? What preventive measures do we have so that victims of abuse are empowered to seek intervention?
We have wonderful laws in place such as the protection of women from domestic violence act 2005 that has come to force since October 2006, but what assistance does the state offer so that these laws are enacted.
Dr Aldina Braganza e Gomes is a clinical psychologist, psychotherapist and associate professor, HOD, Dept of Psychology Carmel College
