It is one thing for a husband and a wife to say that theyare ready to have a child and it is completely another to make adjustments on adaily basis so as to preserve the marriage, even if it is in a steady state.
If one were to plot the graph of the relationship betweenthe husband and the wife before and after a child, it would obviously varydrastically from couple to couple but I suspect what might be common would bean inflection point which marks the birth of a child.
So what happens to a marriage after a child is born? I amsure each of us have very different experiences, though, by and large, I wouldcontend that most mothers tend to get impacted at multiple levels: physically,mentally and emotionally. It is tough to not be able to get a full night’s restnight after night after night, to keep track of the household chores, to preparefor the socialization that follows and of course, to have to deal with a newaddition to the family who now needs your love and time, more than yousometimes believe you might be capable of giving. Added to that, dealing withthe weight gain and the resultant self esteem issues coupled with the sometimesdrastic decisions related to one’s career, do make for a phenomenal degree ofchange.
While the mother is grappling with these changes, the fatheris perhaps battling with emotions of neglect and is still getting used to beingsecond on the priority list. It is tough for the man to suddenly realize thatnot being responsible is no longer a choice and that a lot more is now expectedof him, apart from also having to deal with the mood swings of the wife.Financial pressures could set in or perhaps just the thought might bedisturbing enough. Additional people staying in the house might add to thechaos and the amount of change in everyone’s routine and expected set of tasksis quite the recipe for flaring tempers.
What does this do to a marriage? The entry of a child in amarriage puts the marriage through a very stringent test. It is important toacknowledge that the birth of a child is just the beginning of a permanent andbig change and that any change requires people affected by it, to adapt. Thetime that the husband and wife could earlier take for granted now needs to beplanned for, rationalized and sometimes, skipped. Being able to plan for alonetime to spend as a couple and discovering new ways of having fun as a familyare early signs of adapting to the change. Change is tough but brings with itnew opportunities.
A child is born. A change has happened. The point is, areyou up for dealing with it? The answer to this question can have a lasting impacton your happiness and that of those around you.
Namrataa Arora is a certified coach and specialises in lifeand career transition coaching for women across the world.
