‘For better or worse, till death do us part’ perpetuates the bond of commitment in marriage. A commitment that forms the crux of our society. For centuries this tradition has survived, defying biological and evolutionary urges, socio cultural influences and technological advancement, but can it any longer?
Historically, marriage had definite roles and expectations. It was about alliances and convenience. The upper-class would marry to keep the property within families or form new alliances. The lower class would marry to have large families, so that they would have more helping hands. But since then, marriage has morphed with different roles and needs, questioning the necessity of marriage on one hand and on the other strictly adhering to social prejudices that control the change.
Marriage is also a flourishing industry that influences the economics of this country. Can you imagine how many companies would incur losses if marriage was not what it is in India? From the textile industry to the catering business, sweets marts, flower shops, event management and their paraphernalia’s; from the gold marts to the jewelers, builders, interior decorators, automobile industries and thereby all the other secondary and tertiary business would all be affected.
No matter what socio economic group or religion one belongs to, when you get married there is a dip in the income status. Unfortunately the poorer you are, greater is the impact of this debt, running into generations of burden.
Whichever way one tries to perceive marriage, there is an inevitable truth about how this ceremony is still battling a preoccupation of our Indian patriarchy. Even before the child is born, this prejudice is evident. The considerable efforts by the health departments to make sure that sex selection test are banned, the difference in sex ratios, where the female gender has declined speaks volumes on what role the women plays in marriage. Have you ever heard the fire crackers that announce the birth of a child; three crackers for the boy and two for the girls?
Different standards for boys and girls is just the tip of the iceberg that runs deep into the fabric of our so called family values. The irony being that when you truly analyse this bias it is not so much if you are male or female but who has to incur the expenses of the marriage. It is this economic equation today that is giving marriage a new face in India.
Less than half a century ago, the marriage needs were social and economic. A minuscule percentage of people married for psychological or emotional reasons. Today the needs for marriage has changed. The woman who held this institute in place has moved a few steps ahead. She is educated, working and enjoying economic and social independence. This woman is now changing the need of marriage from social and economical to psychological and emotional. This woman is asking for her expectations of being nurtured, satisfied and supported by her partner as the new foundation for the marriage paradigm. And so although the average Indian marriage might still be arranged, the women wants her fair share in this institution. Thus marriage is slowly morphing from institutional to more companionship and identity certain. Couples have a mutual expectation of being emotionally, sexually and psychologically satisfied. Women now have the economic freedom to walk away from unhappy unions. Not to mention the opportunity to find friendship, empowerment, and to assert her legitimacy as a sexual being.
It is not surprising thus that the divorce rates have gone up in the recent decade. The role that was expected of a potential spouse is slowly but surely changing. Men and women are now seeking their new identities in marriage, breaking through prejudiced mind sets, struggling with patriarchal systems, forming new rules in the game of marriage. But the delicate question that also needs to be asked is what thresholds of compromise are we seeking?
Mental health professionals are baffled at how easily city couples are seeking for separations and divorce. There is strong reaction of intolerance, convenience and unwillingness to seek compatibility. Counsellors in the cities find their clients wanting to end a marriage even before it begins because it does not fit in with the expectations of the spouses. Such trends are slowly cropping in the less cosmopolitan cities of India and before long marriage will seem less necessary than ever before. The questions that arises then is what about the children? Would they need marriages? Being left out of this social change is the child who has to deal with issues like insecurity and step families. Children are one of the main reason more than 70 % of couples who would otherwise want to opt out, stay married. But for how long will such compromise be acceptable? The need to change the relevance of marriage from the present patriarchal preoccupation to a more inclusive decision might just be the saving grace.
Dr Aldina Braganza e Gomes is a clinical psychologist, psychotherapist and associate professor, HOD, Dept of Psychology Carmel College
