Pondering while looking out of the window on a rainy day is one of life’s simple pleasures. As I sit here, going over the day that was, I can’t help but allow my mind to float back to the two extremes I encountered over the span of a few hours. On one hand, a parent we could not get in touch with for days, who hadn’t met with the child’s teachers in years, and on the other extreme, a mother who knew absolutely everything about her son and scarily, more than I found necessary for the average mom to know. We live in an extreme age. Whatever we engage in, we like to find the extremes. Either we work too hard or not at all, either we party too hard or not at all, some of us are extreme health freaks and a few of us wouldn’t be able to tell a crunch from a crack. What is the reason we have developed these extreme ways of life? Is it just part of our genetic predisposition as a species? Or did something change in the recent past that has driven us so far along the extremes that the middle lines have turned into a blur?
The world that we know is constantly changing. We move from one trend to the other and then back again in no time. We went from wanting our phones as tiny as they could be to the larger the better, back to tiny and now large is the choice again. This constant see-sawing we indulge in doesn’t seem very healthy does it? In the whole reflection I have been immersed in, one tiny little thing, like a pebble in a shoe, has been nagging at me. When one chooses to take a path that’s different, why does everyone follow? Is this entire trend of extremism nothing but a popularity contest on a gigantic scale? When we look at how things change in society, isn’t that the kind of feeling you get too? We all want to do what the majority is doing just because we don’t want to seem like we are lagging behind.
Take the new age parent for instance. When you look at the various parenting styles there are and then look at each style individually, you tend to find a pattern in the occurrence of a particular style. The entire circle of friends are all sharing notes and thus using the same parenting styles with their respective broods. When a few friends get together over a cup of coffee, they share notes and voilà … new style and everyone’s following. How far do you go? That’s the question I ask. We deal with individuals, unique and special in their own way. Will a particular style work with all? Dealing with one child is different from dealing with another. Sometimes even within a family you have to use different styles with different kids. So why are we so fast to follow trends? Why do we experiment with extremes just because everyone else is? Asking ourselves these questions may help us find answers as well. Fashion is the best example I can think of. When a new trend is out, all of us would love to go and try it out, sadly, not all of us look good in things made for another.
Oscillating from one extreme to another, especially with something as important as parenting, all we stand to do is cause confusion. Going from an over involved parent to one who gives total freedom to their children is as bad as staying on either extreme. Balance is the name of the game, the only game that can have the most positive outcome. We need to learn and learn quickly, just how much freedom is too much and just how much interference is way too much. Understanding that our children need rules to follow and order in their lives. Most of them actually crave boundaries to function within. At the same time, not letting them breathe and constantly being involved in all they go through can cause a lot of negative consequences. There are some parents who swoop in and ‘handle’ all their children’s issues. From fighting their battles to choosing their friends and right down to actually taking down and completing homework. Yes, being involved is a major plus point to the child’s development, but over involvement can have the opposite consequence. Again I state, finding the middle line is the key. Each one of us has a collection of resources within us that is enough to deal with the life we have been dealt. Following the crowd serves very little purpose in the rich, multifaceted world we live in. Find your niche, mark your middle range and follow your heart. Move with the pace but continue to ask yourself… how far is too far?
Charlene Farrell is a counselling psychologist who works extensively with children and adolescents. She also counsels and works with individuals of all ages. Emotional well-being, to her, is of utmost importance to a fruitful existence
