I am quite sure when my kids were really little, they thought their names were ‘…… Hurry-Up’ or ‘…..Faster’. I am sure every child in the modern fast-paced world would think likewise. Because, no self-respecting mother would ever be jolly-cuddly with their babies without allowing a “Hurry-Up!” or a “Faster” in between for their munchkins.
As they grow up, their names have quickly metamorphosed to include whatever life-stage they are in, as in when they weren’t as toilet-trained as a mother would want, they were called ‘…… Yuck!’ or when I was faced with a worse situation‘…… Eeeks! I really don’t know what to call you’. There have been umpteen occasions of sheer ‘cloud nine-ness’ enjoyed by mothers when they inevitably say super sweet things like ‘…….Tintinbandu’ or ‘……KrishMix’. I think mothers secretly let out their inner creative monster to air out (what they think to be) cute or sweet.
Their own honeybunny children enter the school-world with Names on forms, Names on school badges, Names of book labels. And the creative mother, with her arsenal of names ranging from the totally adorable ‘BabyChobby’ to the totally disastrous ‘BabyChobby’, is doomed to be silent. Yes, depending on which team you belong to, the same nickname can be equally adorable and equally disastrous, is my learning in my years till date in motherhood. But which Mother Goddess has ever surrendered to silence and calm? So, she unleashes her naming prowess on the kids, wherever opportunity appears, which can actually be quite horrifying for the poor kid concerned.
My elder one is justifiably terrified that I will blurt out whatever ‘honeyjellykins’ name that comes to my mind. This particular emotion seizes me especially when I see him playing with his friends (with whom he is possibly already boasting his independence skills). He has been known to take me aside and say the same thing I vividly remember telling my mother, ‘Go!’ And that is the exact moment when I wish I could sweep his sweaty-dirty body in my arms and say ‘Chompee’ or ‘Shampoo’ (yes, I think Shampoo is a very , very sweet name “ pity it is being wasted on a body product)
My younger one is getting all her cues from the brother, so she brushes me aside with ‘No, my name!’ when I say ‘Chicklet, you are mine’. I have to check my urges , so as not to scream out something utterly delirious like ‘Putushu’ or the equally ecstatic ‘Bamboo’ at the top of my voice as I wave goodbye to her every day on the school bus. Yes, every day. Every. Single. Day. (Bamboo, especially when said with a prolonged oooo will turn out to be one of the cutest nicknames for any child, dog or spouse. Do try it out. To be used at your own risk, though).
Then, we all possibly could know at least one super-excited mother, who has jumped up from her seat after her child’s performance, at a school event and screamed from the audience, ‘Bandicooooot. You nailed it’. This usually leads to a minor shuffle as everyone thinks bandicoots are loosely hanging around the auditorium. (Bandicoot should officially be listed as a nickname) And let me add that infamous bittersweet joke about the husband calling his decades-old wife all sorts of flowery names because, well, after all that living together, he has actually forgotten her real name!
I am petrified when some well-meaning relative or friend asks the kids their names. These are the people with whom I must have discussed kids’ names options before the aforementioned kids were even born. These are the people who insist on asking their names, as if, to ascertain that the mother has not switched allegiance and changed their names since the last two days when they last met.
I am petrified because, I believe it’s just my plain good fortune that, when asked that totally dumb, but perennial question “Baba, what is your name?” my growing kids with their own world wisdom don’t blurt out a four-letter word.
- Sonia Kuncalienker is an avid writer on matters that have no importance to anyone in the universe
