Does marriage or for that matter any love relationship, gives us the license to own our partner or is it a bond of mutual respect and love. When we say ‘I do for better or for worse till death do us part’ are we in fact speaking about a compromise, ‘If I cannot have my spouse, nobody else can’.
What is the meaning of compromise in a relationship? Does it imply stopping to do the things you once loved to do because your partner does not like it? Does it imply that you can never feel any attraction for another person?
The gruesome murder of the young women by her jealous husband is disturbing on many counts. The intensity of his rejection, the obsession and jealousy leading to the carefully planned murder are clear signs of how much compromise we expect in our marriages. What is even more disturbing is when people justify his actions not as a moment of insanity but grounds that fidelity outweighs right to life.
This brings us down to an important discussion of how much do we owe our spouses in a relationship? Is there an unwritten law that speaks of the right to own each other? Do we possess our spouses? Where do we draw a line between this ownership and our freedom of choice? How important is respect of privacy in a relationship. Is it a crime to listen to your spouse’s phone calls? Nobody discusses these things.
The wisdom about marriage in the writings by Khalil Gibran when the prophet says…Let there be space in your togetherness and lets the winds of heaven dance between you… Stand together yet not too near together for the pillars of a temple stand apart and the oak tree and Cyprus grow not in each other’s shadow’, underlines the crux of respect in any relationship.
The space in your togetherness is what defines the bond. Ironically it is when this space closes in, it overwhelms and often consumes the very thing it tries so hard to protect.
Because we are in love and feel that it is the right of our partner to question our whereabouts that we first lose sight of being owned or inundated.
In fact to be content in doing your own thing in a relationship is seen as a miss, a flaw and an evidence that your partner loves you less. It is this assumption that makes it difficult to admit that we still have a basic need for our own personal space.
The fact remains that no matter how much you love each other, there will be times when you will not like the space to be shared by your spouse. Personal space is as important for a relationship as breath is for survival. We all need time to do the things we enjoy outside common interest. We need to associate with other important people in our life and to grow and mature we need personal freedom.
Because nobody discusses the importance of personal space, we ignore inundation and may not know how to respond to it until it begins to overwhelm us and the desire to escape sets in.
It is when we begin to tell our first few lies, that we should realize that one needs to mark their boundaries with their spouse. Boundaries will be crossed unless we are able to clearly request for time out, and personal space.
When one begins to feel that they need more time alone, or the need of doing something different, that the relationship is in fact stifling them, then feelings toward the spouse will get affected. If this feeling does not get worked through than for better or worse creeps in and deep down a compromise is made for the illusion of relationship security. This does more harm than good.
Furthermore, when inundation becomes an obsessive jealousy it is a warning signs that the couple needs intervention.
Psychologists categorize pathological jealousy and self-doubt in a relationship as relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder (ROCD), one of the many forms of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).
For patients who are suspicious of their partner, ROCD symptoms can include constantly checking their spouses phone or online history, stalking them or constantly wanting to know who they are speaking on the phone or hanging out with. Such patients may constantly need reassurance from their partner that they are attracted to them.
Jealousy in a relationship is normal up to the point that it allows you to know that maybe you and your partner need to talk and find out why the signs of insecurity have crept in, other than that jealousy is damaging.
It impairs your daily functioning, your relationships and turns you into a completely different person. If the social culture encourages dependency than jealousy is worsened.
People with relationship obsessions often question every single move of their partner. They threaten to end the relationship because it doesn't make them feel the way they idealized it would, but never do so even when the opportunity arises. And if the obsession is severe then the person would go to any extent to control the spouse and if it meant murder then murder it becomes.
