I have friends dating back to when we were younger children in school. When our dreams were fresh and our hearts explorers of life and fun. We climbed hills and swam the rivers, piled sand in pales and build sandcastles. Cycled across distances to race each other. We believed ourselves to be some secret agents who explored old haunted houses waiting for a mystery to unfold.
As teenagers we wore silly clothes and danced silly moves. Walked the ramp and piled the cranks. We laughed, we cried. We made friends and enemies and fought together for what we believed.
Yes we did our things a long time ago before the Facebook stuff happened. Our social world was real. Maybe not very extended but surely dependable.
We never were taught skills of friendship. It was automatic. As if innately we were programed to be driven to meet each other.
Undoubtedly we know that friendship is important. How important we don't realize. This life skill is taken for granted as a cliché of life. However today, friendship is finally getting the deserved attention from science. Crucial research is coming out that underlines the benefits of friendships. Who is our friend and why we need friendship.
Carlin Flora's new book Friendfleunce explores friendship giving insight to the benefits of having friends.
Friendfluence as she cleverly coins it, gives one a sense of identity, self and emerges us into the person we become. Your personality, the mask you wear and of course the direction your life will take, is a trajectory of the way in which friends have influenced your life.
There are many functions and perks of friendships. Friends are known to influence your intelligence, sharpen your mind and have an effect on your emotions. Friends can make you happy or miserable. Friends are a reflection of who you are as a person. They help you know yourself better. They work as motivators and challenge you and to new goals, advance your careers and overall give new meaning to live a healthier and happier life.
Such influences begin very early in life. As children we are first introduced to peers in various social set up like educational institutions, playgrounds, church compounds, our local Goan football fields and other community events. We never know when we would meet our best friend. There is no prescribed formula for such an event but eventually it happens. Ideas click or clash and in that process we find meaning and challenge.
Such early friendships play the most vital role since it coincides with the key developmental changes taking place within a person. Childhood friendships become the foundation for various life skills and shapes our narrative of who will we will become in the future. In fact Flora encourages parents and teachers to give children more time and informal activities to interact while in school.
Often parents do not realize this although they themselves have had their own share of experiences as teenagers, no matter how hard they try to influence their teenage children, but peers will always win over. Thus instead of being over controlling and showing dislike to your children's friends, it's better to invite them over and befriend them because they are going to be the ones influencing your child the most.
However precious college friendships might have been, they are not the only friends one will have over the years. Friendships should and must continue to develop.
When we become adults, the challenges we face are different and since our opportunities become limited we need to pick friends carefully. We need to be able to pick our friends from a wide range of personality types. If we choose only those similar to us than we would fall into a similarity trap. If we want to grow than we need to expand our friendships to a wider range of people.
As we grow older it is important to be careful and give attention to the ones that really matter for our well-being. Because of the great influence friends can have, friendships can also be responsible for our downfall and get us into trouble. Alcohol addiction, substance abuse and destructive life skills increase because of the influence of friends. Friends can also stop us from prioritising our goals in life. They can distract us from the important people in our life, can stress us and be responsible for putting us down. Be ready to protect yourself from friends that are damaging.
People who stress you, hurt you, drain you or who betray you need to go for you to truly benefit friendfluence. Be ready to say no to them. Don't feel that you need to please everybody all the time.
Being wise is the ability to distinguish between those who care for you and those who don't. This skill develops over time, practice and sometime through bitter experience. Learn from it. Eventually you will get it right. It's advisable also to have different friends. Some you can have a good laugh with, some whom you can have a good cry with and some who can challenge you. But always have a friend you can tell your deepest secrets, someone you can go to and talk your heart out. Develop this over time.
To have a good friend also means to be a good friend. Cultivating friendship is an art and also a responsibility.
