“Good morning viewers and welcome to this edition of ‘Sunday with R-Snub’,” said the TV anchor in a shrill voice that would have made Donald Trump proud. “We have three distinguished personalities with us,” he continued, “on my right is Ravi X, who was in the crowd that hammered students at the Patalia House complex. On my left is Pramod V, our student leader and the third person is Arun Z, a member of a fringe organization, with a very strong right hook.”
“We are here to discuss the JNU student uprising,” said R-Snub. “You might have noticed our guests are like-minded, and that is because we want to send a very strong message to JNU students that if they disagree with us we will not put them on national television.”
“My first question goes to Ravi,” said R Snub, “Ravi, are you aware that the Boxing Association of India wants to appoint you as its mascot?”
“I am humbled by their request,” said Ravi, “but I want everyone to know that I was just doing my bit for the country by assaulting students...”
“That is a very inspiring story,” said R Snub. “Did you sing the national anthem or Vande Mataram while assaulting anti-nationals?”
“Actually, it all happened in a flash,” said Ravi, “we did not have time to think about nationalistic songs, so we fired the choicest of bad words.”
R Snub turned to the camera and in a choked voice said, “it is stories like this that make me cry, so we’ll take a short break and return after I have re-charged my tear glands.”
Two minutes later he was back. “We now go to Arun, who was the second person to condemn JNU for using condoms and listening to rock music. Or is it the other way round? Anyway, Arunji were you on the campus when anti-national slogans were shouted.”
“R Snubji, can you give me two minutes, I will just finish my Sudarshan Kriya. Hope you don’t mind,” said Arun.
For the next two minutes R Snub, Ravi and Pramod stared at the camera with blank looks while Arun went through his breathing exercise. After precisely two minutes he said, “No, I was not on the campus when it happened, but I watched it on television...”
“The doctored or the undoctored version?” asked R Snub.
“I watched both and I have to tell you the doctored version had more punch,” said Arun.
R Snub turned to the camera and in a voice filled with emotion, real or virtual, said, “Now here is a man who can separate wheat from the chaff.”
After another two-minute break R Snub returned. “We will now see what Pramod, our student leader has to say. Pramod, why did you come out so strongly against the JNU students?”
“I beg your pardon,” said Pramod, “I did not oppose the JNU students. On the contrary I supported them.”
“What?” said a shocked R Snub. “Are you sure you are on the students’ side, because I thought I saw you…”
R Snub was speechless for a while, but he recovered quickly. He turned to face his viewers and in a voice that oozed confidence said, “Dear viewers, I think we called the wrong student, but don’t worry, our legal cell with take care of it.”
On cue three lawyers entered, thrashed Pramod and kicked him out of the studio. At the end of it R Snub turned to the audience and said, “and that dear viewers is how we fast track justice. Thank you for staying with us. I hope this programme has inspired you to go out and crack an anti-national skull.”
