Social pariah
My social skills are so weird that I live in fear of myself. I make frequent F.R.I.E.N.D.S. references or Twitter trend references that none of my friends understand. It is like I come from a different culture. When I try to put things in simple words, I unknowingly drop some double-meaning words and make a fool of myself. When I try to be cautious I can’t think of anything to speak. How do I improve my social skills?
Jimmy
Important question - Are these imaginary friends or monkeys? Either way you seem to have a problem. I’m obviously not referring to monkeys from a Darwin-esque point of view, I’m talking about real primates who swing from trees and eat lice from each other’s hair. If they are imaginary friends, then the problem is in your head, considering your imaginary friends are as square or as ‘happening’ as you. I hate that word ‘happening’.
Person X: “Are you going to that ‘happening’ place?”
Me: “Did your mother drop you on your head while giving you a bath, when you were young, or were you born this way?”
Person X: That’s not a ‘happening’ question.
Me: *sobs quietly into my sleeve*
So, getting back to the topic at hand, if your friends are human, then you have to make them understand that there’s a life beyond Facebook, selfies and going to ‘happening’ places. Or just slap them. That should help your social skills.
Antsy Uncle
Job problems
I have a serious problem. I reach the office and I immediately get a headache. I think my mind associates my job with serious pain. Is this solvable, or am I doomed to working with a chronic pain in my head?
Haider, Nuvem
This is serious alright. First up, standard question that anyone in the biz will ask someone like you; When you slap yourself while looking in the mirror do you flinch and feel the pain before your palm makes contact with your cheek or after you realise that you’re doing something stupid like slapping yourself? I’m not kidding. You have, what some people call, a phobia of working. You need a holiday, perhaps in some remote country where you can just lie on the beach and not worry about anything. Of course, since you live in Goa, you can do that right here. Go there on your off day and just relax. When you do get to work, psych yourself up by repeating these words. Start with saying it out loud and then in your head. “I need money to eat; I’ll get that money by working. I can’t live on the streets, the toilets are messy.” I bet you’ll be fine within a week or two.
Antsy Uncle
Animal lover
I am wary of people who treat their pets like they are human beings. I love dogs and have three of my own. I talk to them but I can’t read their minds. I don’t make up situations in my head where my dogs talk to me. I love these animals but I know that they are just that, animals. Why do people treat some animals better than human beings? Why are they so inhumane?
C Lobo
I find it weird too. I knew this girl once who would constantly know what her dogs were saying. She would have conversations with them, which is what you do too, but she would turn around and translate their barks for the people around. It was always about how they want to mate with each other or how their behinds smelled funny. It was funny hearing all those ‘conversations’ really. I think she still lives alone somewhere in Anjuna or something. She lost her passport too. Someone people have a very strange connection with their pets. To them, someone who doesn’t like pets is weird. It’s understandable. Everyone has their own pet peeves. Yay, another pun! Okay, that didn’t really make sense but I had to throw it in there. What is worse than people thinking that they are cat whisperers is those people who con others in the name of being pet lovers. You’ll a lot of them around. If you want to find them, ask your dog.
Antsy Uncle
