Living in India as a woman, I appreciate the power of ‘No’. The ability to have a choice, a voice in which I choose rather than be a passive participant. It’s not women alone however that struggle with the word No, but our culture is such that saying No is rude, downright insulting and often an exclusive privilege.
People find themselves bending backwards to do the things they hate doing. Getting along, conforming and pleasing are lessons that are taught very early on in life. The training begins early. We feed our children with ‘I- tell “you- to- do -so’ mantra, wear this and not that, No don’t play in the rain you will fall sick, no don’t go there, No don’t do that, no everything! The instructions are endless. In this script, the child loose its own voice. Not knowing when they want to say ‘Yes’ and when they want to say a ‘No’.
Have you ever counted how times a day you utter the word ‘No’? What is even more interesting is to check how many times you say ‘No, Don’t Do That’ and ‘No I Won’t Do That’. There is a world of difference between these two No’s that we utter and this difference defines how we manage our lives.
Growing to become an adult is a fine balance between knowing culture appropriate behaviors and learning to define ones boundaries. How do we learn to shed the No’s in our life is an important life lesson that we have to learn. This lesson draws on our ability to acknowledge responsibility and ownership of our life. It implies that in our relationships with others we are able to respect, love and value others by building our integrity and without binding them with guilt.
No asserts power and control. Its sets boundaries and gives structure. Being aware of the No is as important as being aware of your Yes. Yes, gives us the opportunity to take risk, be open hearted and seek change. No on other hand helps us to define who we are, set boundaries and take control over our lives.
With a No I can assert- ‘this is who I am, this is what I like and believe in, these are my limits and this is how I choose to behave’. No gives us an identity which is separate from others and a space to grow and become our best possible self.
No is a powerful word but it is often seen as negativity. Negativity and No are often considered synonyms. However No and negativity are separate entities. While, negativity is a chronic attitude which expresses itself with a whinnying need of discontentment. No is a tool of power and change.
We often avoid No’s because we fear being rejected, or because we might lose important relationships. I have learnt this beautiful lesson in my recent past that those people who matter will remain and those that you lose out on will allow for newer opportunities to meet nicer people.
Asserting with a No also happens at two levels. One where we define boundaries with others and the other which strengthens our resolves and determines our own character.
Learning to say No is not about evading responsibilities but it implies determining one self. Certain guidelines help and suggests when No is beneficial.
When it keeps you true to your principles and values No is important. To extend a supportive hand is important but if you are one of those people, who has difficulty in telling your friend that you do not agree on something that goes against your value system then you might be faced with confluence as to who you are and what you believe in. in such cases it is better to lose on the friendship that is sapping you out of your integrity than just going along with the tide and trying to be nice.
In situations when you feel that others are exploiting you of your helpful self than No is something you should seriously consider. Before you know it you find yourself skipping your routine exercise because you are running errands for a friend or relative, prioritizing their time against your own just because you are afraid to tilt the balance.
Abuse in relationships are often based on your inability to assert. Here a big No is in order although it is probably the most difficult of all the No’s. Grandparents, mothers, children and spouses are often the victims of such abuse.
No is a good way to begin a new life. It gives a strength to choose otherwise. For those in unhealthy relationship seeking to say No is as important as wanting change. Often we compromise out of fear. Real fear and societal status fear.
Finally No is also a strong powerful tool for self-growth. Saying No to procrastination, No to bad habits such as unwanted foods, beverages or substances like nicotine, and other drugs is often the most difficult No. This No however is the most empowering as it gives the self a charge. Sets limits and strengthens character and self-understanding. Helps one to push boundaries and not give up.
