Captured by : PG2. DC - psychobabble
A narrative of an age gone by is what I think would be the best tone setter for this piece. A few years ago, when I moved away from Goa to study is when this little story began. It was a dull and dreary morning and I had just got admission into the college I had applied for. As I sat there, nervous and excited all at once I waited for my turn to be interviewed by my soon to be hostel wardens. As my turn approached I moved, mother in tow, closer to the office. Finally, I was in there staring and the textbook version of a hostel warden accompanied by her trusted sidekick, both staring me down with all their might. Question number one, ‘Where are you from?’ happily I answer ‘Goa’. That’s when it all came crashing down. Their condescending stares turned immediately into oodles of judgement coupled with a topping of irrationality. ‘NO DRINKING, NO DRUGS, NO CIGARETTES for the Goa girl’ was the line that stuck with me all these years hence. And the icing on the cake was that I was roomed with seemingly level-headed girls who magically disappeared every weekend and had a way of bringing the party to the ‘all prohibited’ lodgings I was jailed in for a year. No, they did not receive the warning I was given on day one.
India is a jigsaw of a thousand different elements, but a few things bind us in the most humiliating ways possible. Being judgemental is one such binder. Be it religion, race, colour, caste, creed, state, we find stereotypes in the weirdest places possible. We judge everything and anything that crosses our paths and it is a disease that has caused much of our problems through the years. As we move about our lives, this one worm in our sides seldom fails to raise its ugly head. In studying group behaviour, psychologists everywhere have concluded that in-groups tend to see their group as superior, regardless of facts. When we look outward, we see the flaws and waste no time in pointing them out.
Being judgemental simply means ‘having an overcritical point of view’. When confronted with anything outside of your inner comfort, our first instinct is to pass a quick judgement. First impressions are an example. We jump the gun often and immediately take information received either through our tired senses or through the broken telephone game we all indulge in fuelled by our gossip girl selves and form an impression that tends to last. Without giving the other a chance to introduce his/ her real self to the fold, we allow our judgement to dictate what we see. We then tend to see what we expect and the rest as they say ‘is history’.
Being judgemental is a characteristic we can all do without. Its eradication would in fact cause much more peace than we would imagine. The reason why we are so quick to judge lies in the fact that we rather see the other in a bad light than see ourselves in a true light. Being judgmental is actually a way for our own egos to sooth themselves. When we see progress in others we tend to attribute that to external factors like luck and chance, while we look at our own progress as being internally caused e.g. hard work and persistence. Individuals who pass judgements off the bat normally tend to pull people down with no intention of actually helping put together the pieces.
As a famous quote rightly puts it ‘Judging a person does not define who they are… it defines who you are.’ This quote rightly sums up the motions this characteristic illuminates in a person. No one likes to be with a person who always has something overly critical to say. As social beings, it is essential that we are able to hold on to important relationships in our lives. A few easy steps to follow are:
1. Be aware- we could be so habituated to this behaviour that we do not even realise we are being judgmental. Be aware of how you think.
2. Acceptance- Accept people for who they are not what you want them to be
3. Understanding- Understand that everyone is different and develop the ability to step into the other’s shoes and understand the ‘whys’ of their behaviour.
4. LOVE - As Saint Theresa once said “If you judge people, you have no time to love them”
Look deep into people before jumping to conclusions because hey, what you see isn’t always what you get.
- Charlene Farrell is a counselling psychologist who works extensively with children and adolescents. She also counsels and works with individuals of all ages. Emotional well-being, to her, is of utmost importance to a fruitful existence
