I’m tired of the neighbourhood matchmakers and I’ve burned by fingers on Tinder etc. I want to find a nice boy myself but I don’t know where to start. I have my criteria, he has to be down to earth, have a good job and be caring. It doesn’t matter if he’s not rich, I don’t have extravagant tastes, but I do want to have a decent life and together we both can have one. Where can I find such a guy?
Mary
Dear Mary
The neighbourhood matchmakers can get on your nerves right? I know how it was. Always “Why don’t you do this, and why don’t you meet her, she’s such a nice girl and her father Jimmy knew your father and they played football together 25 years ago for one game but he didn’t tackle your father hard and that’s how I know she’s a compassionate person because her father was…” And then there’s the, “Why are you leaving your underwear on the floor all the time?” Yes, that’s what happens when your mother is part of the neighbourhood matchmaker group. I struggled with this conundrum too, and then I met my wife when I was too broke to catch a bus home and had to hitch a ride. Her father was quite generous and I fed him some lies about spending my last rupee to give someone bhajji pao. The rest is history. What you should do is collect all the Rs 500 and 1000 notes that you can find and go stand in line at different banks. If you meet a boy rest assured he’s down to earth. Anyone with their head up in the clouds would not bother standing in line but look to dispose off his invalid notes elsewhere. Secondly, if he’s personally standing in line, and possibly looking stressed, it’s because he has a job and has taken leave. He will definitely have a debit card but the cash is to pay the maid and keep money at home for mama, just in case. So, you know he’s compassionate too! There you go. Problem solved. Oh, listen, I have some notes that need to be given to the bank so you mind coming by the office on the way to the bank? No? Sheesh, what lack of compassion!
Antsy Uncle
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I want to lose weight but I don’t want to lose weight. Help me.
Somebody
Hi Somebody. Just this morning Arun Jaitley made a statement that went thus, “Yes, loans have been waived but that doesn’t mean loans have been waived.” I had the same expression then, on hearing his statement, that I now have on reading this short and extremely confusing statement. Imagine, my eyes bulging out of my sockets, not because I’ve seen Jessica Rabbit but because I’m probably having some sort of seizure. My mouth is frozen in a half pout and half “what is this person thinking?”pose. Half the pout was because I was in the midst of doing a duckface selfie when I read your mail. I have no idea what to tell you to do. Oh wait. I have it. EUREKA, I HAVE IT. This is genius. I bet when you read it, you’re gonna say, “Uncle, you are a genius. May your tribe increase and may all your dreams come true.” Why don’t you join a gym? No wait. Hear me out. Join a gym and workout every morning. Then go home and have a nice bacon, eggs, baked beans and toast breakfast, followed by a massive serving of rice and curry for lunch, and then for dinner, stock up on carbs and the likes. This way you’ll lose weight and put it on by the end of the day. Another problem solved. Soon they’ll be calling me Super Antsy Uncle!
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I’m great at throwing surprise birthday parties for friends. This one time, I gathered people together on a beach, and made a friend come all the way there to meet someone who she liked, and then all of us surprised her and we had a good time. But no one ever does stuff like that for me. My birthdays are organized by me, and no one has ever tried to surprise me.
The planner
Man with the plan,
That’s what I’m going to call you. You seem to have things sorted out. But who cares if no one organizes a good surprise for you? Surprise yourself. One day, just quietly got for a holiday the day before your birthday and spend a few days in some exotic destination pampering yourself. That will surprise your friends too, because they’ll expect a party. And you have the makings of a good event manager. Why so serious? You got a good thing going, really!
Antsy Uncle
